How do we not hover over Maggie every moment of the day? How do we keep from sneaking into her room at night to make sure she's still breathing ok? How do we let her go to school, to a friends house, to her grandparents' house? How do we let her out of our sight? What keeps us from driving Maggie nuts with over-protection and smothering?
I don't know.
All of the doctors have explained to us that there is nothing we could have done to save Elena. We mostly believe them. By extension, of course, that means that there is nothing that anyone could have done. By the time anything was visibly wrong with Elena, it was too late to save her. Would we have believed this to be true if she had died somewhere else?
I don't know.
If Elena had died while at school or on a sleep over or while playing at a friends house or at soccer practice or any of the places that a healthy, normal six year old spends time, would we have believed there was nothing that could have been done?
If she had died at your house, would you have forgiven yourself? Even if you know in your heart and mind that there's nothing you could have done, you would have wondered and lived with those questions forever. If she'd died at your house, would we have ever believed that there was nothing that could have been done? Would we have always wondered what would have happened if only we'd been there? If only we'd said "no" when Elena asked if she could go to your house.
But we couldn't keep Elena locked up in a room. She wouldn't have been Elena. And it's a dangerous world with so many things to protect against. We just can't protect our babies against every real or imagined threat. And if we had kept her at home with both of her parents there in a room with her. . . if we had, we would have ended up the same place we did letting her be free. Kim and Maggie and I alone in a room with Elena unable to protect her against an unseen microscopic assailant.
And so we have Maggie. Kim and I look at this amazing child and want to protect her and know that we can't. Kim cried a week ago that Elena will never get to have her heart broken by a boy or know the disappointment of unmet expectations. There were many things left that we couldn't have protected Elena against and can't protect Maggie from.
How much do we watch over Maggie and help her avoid the pain to come? How do we help her navigate the dangers? How do we keep her from saying "what's the point, look what happened to Elena"?
I don't know.
