No Answers

I’ve been thinking a lot about Kim’s Eulogy.

For someone who writes and speaks as much as I do, it should be easier than it is.

I’ve been unable to figure out what to say.

I want to say everything. I want you to know Kim the way I knew her. I want to see her and value her as much as I did. I want you to feel her passing as deeply as I do.

You can’t.

You will feel her passing in your own way. A few words said Friday morning can’t change any of that.

I haven’t wondered or asked, “why me?”

There is no answer to that.

My eulogy began with what was essentially, “why Kim?”

There’s no answer to that either.

Kim and I went to a funeral not long after Elena died. When the priest said that the young woman had died because it was God’s will, Kim snorted in disgust. When the priest told us that the woman was in a better place, Kim repeated the sound.

I hope no one offers me these words. Kim was a woman of faith and they failed to comfort her. The words certainly won’t comfort me.

I do ask, “why Maggie?”

My brilliant, beautiful daughter.

No. Kim and my brilliant, beautiful daughter.

When I first held her in my arms 19 years ago I knew I would keep her safe and happy and provide for her in every way she needed.

It’s a promise I’ve not been able to keep despite trying every day.

Maggie wanted to be at the hospital by herself when Kim died. She asked a friend to drive her and to stay with her in the waiting room while Maggie went into Kim’s room to wait with her.

A brilliant, beautiful nineteen year old saying goodbye to her mother ten years after losing her sister.

I told Maggie I love her more than anything else in the world.

Until Tuesday it was a tie.

Until ten years ago it was a three way tie.

I do love Maggie more than anything else in the world.

It’s not enough.

I worry about her.

It’s not helpful.

I ask, “why Maggie”.

There’s no answer to that either.

Published in: on August 25, 2016 at 6:59 am  Comments (1)