I’ve had trouble with the high holidays since Elena died and it hasn’t gotten any easier with Kim’s death.

How, I’ve asked before, can a six year old’s name be left out of the book of life?

And now I wonder the same thing about my Kimmy.

The world is not a better place without her. It was so much better with her.

Religious teachings are rooted in practices and traditions that help us live our daily lives as individuals and member of tribes.

Many of them are designed around big moments in life.

A great many of them are centered around death and loss.

Our views of heaven or whatever comes next are to comfort us when a loved one dies.

I’m not comforted.

Perhaps I’m just too selfish.

I don’t know what happens when we die.

Kim knew that she wanted her organs, her skin, her eyes to benefit others. She was as unselfish as can be.

She didn’t know what happens when we die but she knew she wanted others to benefit.

When Kim died, people tried to comfort me by saying “she must be needed in heaven.”

Kim would roll her eyes and sigh.

I know this because at funerals after Elena died she would do just that if the priest would say that the dead person is “in a better place.”

Kim thought there was a time to let go. If a person is in a great deal of pain or is old and ready to die, Kim thought it was selfish of us to keep them here for us.

Let them go.

That Friday morning, Kim was funny and active and too young to die.

The semi-driver changed that.

By the time we made the decision on Sunday there really was no decision to make. Kim was gone.

She had coached us that there was a time to let go.

It was time.

To leave her name out of the book a year ago? Then it wasn’t near time.

Many have told me that Kim is reunited with Elena. The two of them are together.

That’s a lovely image.

It wasn’t time for either of them.

It wasn’t time for a six year old child ten years ago.

It wasn’t time for her vibrant fifty-five year old mother two months ago.

It’s comforting to think of them reunited in heaven. It’s a reunion of mother and child. It’s Kim sitting down to Sunday dinner with her grandparents.

I assume that if you can find your loved ones in heaven, you can eat pasta with them.

It’s a lovely image.

Perhaps I’m just too selfish.

As lovely as the image of them together in heaven may be, I’d much rather another image.

I picture Kim and me watching Elena graduate from high school this coming June with her classmates.

Now that’s a lovely image.

Published in: on October 12, 2016 at 8:51 am  Leave a Comment  

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