I’ve had enough of Kim being dead.

I remember getting to this point with Elena.

I thought I was the only one who felt this way about Kim, but one night Maggie and I were over at Kim’s parents house for dinner and her mom said the same thing to me.

We were in the kitchen and she said quietly, “I’m tired of Kim being dead. Enough.”

I knew exactly what she meant.

It’s not that I ever expect Kim to not be dead.

But this waking up and moving through life with her dead is a huge weight. It’s an exhausting reality.

Sure, I’m meeting people for coffee and talking about everything from sports to politics to nothing much at all. We have a good time.

I’m starting to get work done again. I’ve updated my book. I’m working on videos. I’m preparing my classes so that I can return to teaching in the new year.

But there’s this cloud I carry with me.

Others can see it but are too polite to ask.

Maybe it’s not politeness. Maybe it’s love and concern. Maybe they just don’t want to see the cloud turn dark and stormy.

I know Kim will never not be dead.

I get the idea of “forever”.

You know, like that “forever” Kim and I promised each other when we got married.

Maybe we got the “forever” but we certainly didn’t get the “and ever” that was also promised us.

Kim will now be dead forever and ever.

I’m tired of that reality.

I’ve had enough.

And yet, I expect to live many years with that reality.

I know the cloud will shrink. I know there will come a time where some days the cloud isn’t there at all. During these “mostly sunny” days, life will seem pretty good.

For now, I’m tired. I’ve had enough of Kim being dead.

Published in: on December 15, 2016 at 9:01 am  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Me too. Holding space for you.

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