Kevin and I had breakfast this morning before he hit the road.
We were talking about someone and I said that they were unforgiving. Once they felt wronged they would never forgive the other person and would never speak with them again.
“You’re that way too,” Kevin said. He brought up a discussion we’d had about three different people who had cheated in three different marriages. It’s something I’m black and white about.
In those cases it wasn’t really up to me to forgive or not to forgive. They hadn’t cheated on me. One had cheated on a friend of mine and two were friends of mine.
It wasn’t that I hadn’t forgiven them so much as that I never felt the same way about the friendship again. I don’t think I was unforgiving so much as wary. I had less time and patience for them.
I think it is partially around forgiveness but more about choosing to spend time with people who I should spend time with. I don’t mean only spending time with people who can benefit me and I don’t mean spending time only with people who make me feel better.
I’m still trying to understand what I mean.
Maybe I’m trying to make it sound less selfish than it is. I don’t think I’m driven by selfishness – but, then again, I’m the wrong person to ask.
When Kim died I decided to spend more time in the gym. I thought I’d hire a personal trainer to jump-start the effort. It’s an indulgence I never would have considered but it seemed important that I start to get back into shape and perhaps this is what I needed to get there.
A friend of Kim’s recommended someone she liked so I contacted him.
I didn’t hear back for a while.
I contacted him again.
He got back to me and we went back and forth with me trying to set something up and him being very difficult to pin down.
Finally, I wrote him and said “no thank you.”
I told him that as much as I wanted to work with him, it was more important to me right now to be standing on solid ground. If I couldn’t get answers from him while he was trying to court my business, how could I depend on him being responsive once we were working together.
He was an open loop.
He was something I had to keep revisiting to see where we were and what we’d do next.
I closed the loop.
Then I went to the gym six or seven days a week on my own.
I loved it. I still love it.
I’m sure I would have loved working with him but I couldn’t have an open loop.
Sometime’s it’s really hard to see these open loops and it’s even harder to walk away from them. It’s something to check on regularly and that’s kind of comforting. But at some point you realize how much energy you’re putting into this thing.
Year’s ago when I was applying to work at the last radio station I would ever be on-air at, I sent in my audition tape and resume along with a cover letter.
I called the program director regularly to ask if he’d listened to my tape yet.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t unusual in that business.
Each time I’d call he said, “sorry, not yet.”
One day I said, “you know what, thank you but don’t bother.”
You can’t just say this as a ploy – you have to mean it. You have to be ready to really say it isn’t worth the trouble.
“Steve told me you were different,” I continued, mentioning the name of the guy who’d convinced me to apply at the station in the first place. “This is the same as every other station.”
“Thank you for taking all of my calls,” I said, meaning it, “but I’m not interested any more.”
We chatted a few more minutes and then I hung up.
A half hour later my phone rang, “did you listen to my tape yet?”
It was him. He hired me. I enjoyed working for him for a while.
Anyway, I’ve been working on closing my open loops. I’ve beaten my email inbox down to six messages and will have it back down to zero by tonight. No open loops there.
I’m spending the next hour paying bills and closing off all of those loops.
I’m capturing my to-do’s in Omni Focus. I find that helps me knock them off one at a time. I expect those loops will be closed by the weekend.
Maggie reminded me of some personal loops I need to close.
Perhaps this applies to those people that Kevin thinks I haven’t forgiven. It’s not so much that I haven’t forgiven them that I don’t want to have open loops around the things that upset me. I want to resolve them somehow and move on.
There’s a huge comfort in closing open loops. It helps me see what I have left to do and what I can enjoy once I’m done.