I don’t know why I didn’t expect to be so upset this morning.

I guess I figured that by the time Kim actually died a year ago today, it was clear that she had passed.

But today was the actual day that she died.

On that day, Maggie made two requests of me.

My first instinct was to ask what her mother had said – but, of course, if her mother could have answered her we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

Parenting without Kim is so very different.

She was just so smart about so many things.

She knew when Maggie was talking back that she wasn’t angry, she was hungry. She’d have Maggie eat a snack and the moment would pass.

So Maggie told me she wanted to be there when they turned off her mother’s machines. And she told me she wanted to be there alone – she didn’t want me down there.

It felt so important to her – I said “yes”.

I asked that she take a friend down to the hospital with her – someone who could be with her and drive her home afterwards. She agreed.

There’s no sense in second guessing things, but I have no idea if that was the right answer or the wrong answer.

I think Kim would have said “yes” but she might have said “absolutely not”.

She might then have looked at me and asked, “what were you thinking?”

So a year ago today, Maggie went down to the hospital in the middle of the night and waited for her mother to die.

I lay in bed with the dog next to me – awake all night.

The nurse had promised to text me to tell me what happened with the organ donation. She promised to tell me when Kim was actually dead. She promised to keep an eye on Maggie.

She did all of that.

The nurses in the unit were just amazing. The nurse called me in tears to tell me that Kim had passed and that Maggie had left for home. She told me a little about the night before.

And so when my brother called me this morning to check on me I thought, “I don’t know why I didn’t expect to be so upset this morning.”

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Crying,” I said.

“Me too,” he said.

I still think that Kim was killed on August 19th, but she died three days later.

She died a year ago today.

Today was just awful.

What did I expect?


Published in: on August 23, 2017 at 4:08 pm  Comments (5)