Obvious

I don’t know why I didn’t expect to be so upset this morning.

I guess I figured that by the time Kim actually died a year ago today, it was clear that she had passed.

But today was the actual day that she died.

On that day, Maggie made two requests of me.

My first instinct was to ask what her mother had said – but, of course, if her mother could have answered her we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

Parenting without Kim is so very different.

She was just so smart about so many things.

She knew when Maggie was talking back that she wasn’t angry, she was hungry. She’d have Maggie eat a snack and the moment would pass.

So Maggie told me she wanted to be there when they turned off her mother’s machines. And she told me she wanted to be there alone – she didn’t want me down there.

It felt so important to her – I said “yes”.

I asked that she take a friend down to the hospital with her – someone who could be with her and drive her home afterwards. She agreed.

There’s no sense in second guessing things, but I have no idea if that was the right answer or the wrong answer.

I think Kim would have said “yes” but she might have said “absolutely not”.

She might then have looked at me and asked, “what were you thinking?”

So a year ago today, Maggie went down to the hospital in the middle of the night and waited for her mother to die.

I lay in bed with the dog next to me – awake all night.

The nurse had promised to text me to tell me what happened with the organ donation. She promised to tell me when Kim was actually dead. She promised to keep an eye on Maggie.

She did all of that.

The nurses in the unit were just amazing. The nurse called me in tears to tell me that Kim had passed and that Maggie had left for home. She told me a little about the night before.

And so when my brother called me this morning to check on me I thought, “I don’t know why I didn’t expect to be so upset this morning.”

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Crying,” I said.

“Me too,” he said.

I still think that Kim was killed on August 19th, but she died three days later.

She died a year ago today.

Today was just awful.

What did I expect?

 

Published in: on August 23, 2017 at 4:08 pm  Comments (5)  

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Just awful

  2. So so sorry Daniel – hugs to you & maggie❤️🎈

  3. Hi Daniel,

    We’re not acquainted; I’m only aware of you through your blog.

    My name’s Fiona, and I live in Australia with my husband and two little boys.

    I can’t remember specifically when I first read your blog, but it had been going for some years, and you were no longer updating frequently – just frequently enough that I would check in occasionally once I’d worked through your back catalogue. I think I initially clicked on a link from another blog somewhere.

    I found your writing so absorbing that I spent a few nights basically reading it from the start. I don’t have any experience with some of the main topics you meditate upon – bereavement and issues surrounding adoption – so I can’t genuinely empathise, but I was touched that you write of your family with such fondness, liveliness and insight.

    Somewhat coincidentally, I checked your blog for the first time in about a year just as the tragedy of Kim’s passing was unfolding, and although I don’t know you, I found myself referencing your situation in discussions with friends, and hoping you were surrounded by support.

    I’m so sorry that you and your family / community have experienced such hardships.

    Thank you for your writing.

    Best wishes,

    Fiona

  4. Daniel and Maggie,
    There are no words…I thought you two and Kim very often last Friday, over the weekend and yesterday. I pray for your family often. I miss Kim.

  5. Thinking about you, Daniel, and Maggie, and all of your friends and family.


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